The Colbert Questionert
18 May 2026In honor of the untimely end of Stephen Colbert’s run at The Late Show, I thought it would be fun to answer his famous Colbert Questionert.
What’s the best sandwich?
I don’t think of it so much as a sandwich, but I think the answer is the perfect burger. I get more excited about that than I can think of any other sandwich, although there’s some candidates in there for sure.
But a truly great burger. That’s a thing.
I love a blue cheese and bacon burger, but I think the right answer here is more classic. A cheeseburger, of course. I think it’s cheddar, but actually it’s probably melty American (don’t tell me). Lettuce, a tomato slice (a good one, please), perhaps some pickle. It’s got a generous amount of mayo. It is juicy, it is not overcooked, the bun is the right proportion. And it’s small enough that I can actually eat it without assistance.
What was the first concert you ever attended?
Phish, at The Evergreen State College. I went with my dad and my brother, neither of whom were particularly interested in Phish. When the show started and the lights went low a bunch of people lit up and my dad said it smelled like the 60s. Never having been to a concert before, I thought there was a small chance I would be called onto stage and have to play “Fluffhead” or something. That didn’t happen. But I do vividly remember the performance of “Silent in the Morning.”
What is the scariest animal?
Cats are terrifying.
We invite these predators into our homes like they’re cute, but then they have these whole secret lives and bring back their trophy kills to put on display. They’re abject killing machines. Complete sociopaths. I totally believe the urban legends about cats eating their owner’s faces after they die. It’s strange that we think it’s okay to cohabitate with them.
Apples or oranges?
I never get sick of apples. Crisp. Juicy. Sliced up, or in a pinch just chomp right in.
Have you ever asked someone for their autograph?
Famous? No.
I’ve had some board game designer friends sign their work. Because that’s a nice touch.
When I was young I did trick my mom once into “signing her autograph” onto a piece of paper that was actually a disciplinary form in need of a parental signature. I had been falsely accused of the original infraction, but the deception to my mom was real. I lasted all of 10 minutes before I confessed.
What do you think happens when we die?
I don’t actually really know how we’re alive. I’m this sack of meat and electricity, together in a way that has a sense of consciousness. It’s crazy biological magic.
When we die, I believe that magic ends, for sure. Whatever it is, this combination that has led to my sense of “me” is done. But also, back into the earth it all goes, and who knows what happens then? That matter can combine with other matter into some new thing. But my journey will be done.
What’s your favorite action movie?
I’m very particular stuck on the definition. A movie with action may not be an “action movie.” Yes they must have impressive set-pieces and physical stunts of some kind (martial arts, driving sequences, etc.). But also… not too much else, otherwise it’s something else entirely. It needs to commit to the bit.
One pick is Mad Max: Fury Road. It is basically one long gorgeous sequence, with maybe one or two chances for you to breathe. It’s impressive, gripping, and beautiful.
Another is The Rock (with Nicolas Cage, Sean Connery, and Ed Harris). It is total Michael Bay ’90s action schlock in the best possible way.
Window or aisle?
Both are cursed. In the aisle my legs will drift into the aisle and get whacked by a passing cart. In the window I’m smooshed in with nowhere to go.
I’ll pick the window if I get the choice. The view is nice, and it leaves some chance that I can rest my head upon the wall and yet still fail to get any sleep.
What’s your favorite smell?
If it’s fall or winter, I want a warm cider, cinnamon, earthy tea, or mulled something. The smell of warmth and comfort.
Outside of that, it’s petrichor, that smell of fresh rain after a bit of dryness. Everything smells earthy and wet and mossy.
What’s your least favorite smell?
The smell of walking through the perfume gauntlet of a department store. Overt artificial floral, completely overwhelming.
What is your earliest memory?
I have no memories in my first house, where I was until 3. After that we moved to the property where I remained until 18, but the actual house got demolished (a controlled burn) at some point when I was young. I have very few memories of that house before it burned down.
Oddly, I remember a dream from then. I’m being chased by my teacher (Kindergarten?), but she’s in a lion costume (like the Wizard of Oz cowardly lion).
Cats or dogs?
I have neither now, yet grew up with both. For most of my life I would have said cats. But my fondness for dogs has grown with time.
You get one song to listen to for the rest of your life. What is it?
Stevie Ray Vaughan’s performance of “Little Wing.” It’s beautiful, dynamic, and purely instrumental. I think I could listen to it a lot.
What number am I thinking of?
14? No? I tried.
Describe the rest of your life in five words.
Create, love, connect, then die.
And there it is. Congratulations, I am known.